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| Wow... I've been stupid. This poem really opened my eyes...
It's not so bad,
Really, it's not,
The world is not so dark,
Just turn the light back on,
Just smile,
Have a laugh,
Make someone happy,
Be happy.
Let go of the dark,
Step back into the light,
Let your eyes adjust to the truth,
And remember why you loved it,
You can see in the light,
How can you help those,
Trapped in the dark,
When you're trapped there too?
Remember why you're loved,
Love yourself for it,
Give life another chance,
Remember you're not alone,
He's there at your side,
You've simply strayed from the path,
Find it again,
And don't leave it.
Let go of the flesh,
Take hold of the heart,
Cleanse your soul of bitterness,
And find the sweetness in life,
See. Just see. The truth,
Don't close your eyes,
And pretend the world is doom,
You only doom yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think that's awesome. I feel better, now. Different. Something's changed.
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| I'm sorry I upset you
I told you, you didn't
Then why wouldn't you talk to me
I was busy
I said I'd leave you alone and you got upset
I was in a bad mood
You don't talk to me even in a good mood.
Yes I do.
No, you reply to my posts... sometimes.
Look, you're pissing me off.
Why am I always the one that everyone's too busy to talk to? How
come no one says "Hold on, I'm talking to Todd?" *tears*
How come no one says they're busy talking to me instead of they're too
busy to talk to me. Why am I always the alternative and NEVER the
preference!? Why?! What cursed gene was put in my genetic
code that makes me the LAST thing anyone conciders!? Why am I
that last choice, last resort, last ditch effort? I'm always the
"rebound" or used to make someone mad, or just used as a joke.
Why am I ALWAYS the one that's wrong!? Why is it always my fault
and my responsibility?!
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| Reading Ali's journal made me realize something. I'm dead.
I really am. I cannot feel love anymore. I really
can't. I'm not exadurating or just trying to feel sorry for
myself. I just can't feel it anymore. I don't feel much
fear or nervousness anymore, if any. No matter what someone says
to compliment me, I will not believe they mean it or know what they're
talking about. I just think they're either saying it to be nice,
or because they want something from me. When I think about
joining the Marines, I know there's the possibilty I fail and have no
home to go back to, I end up on the streets with nowhere to go.
But I'm not scared, I'm not nervous about that. I could actually
pass bootcamp and become a Marine and get shot up in some other
country. But I'm not worried about that for some reason. I
guess you can't have fear when you have no hope to lose. I can
find no hope. Nothing to look forward to. Like an animal...
like a dead thing.
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| Well, I have slacked off in my German class, in fact I stopped
going. I missed too many classes due to transportation problems,
so there's no way in Kenya I'm catching up.
The RP chatroom I used to be a member of booted me for no reason.
Apparently my character was causing problems by being nice to
everyone. But it sounds like the whole room went to crap once I
left.
I'm joining the marines this summer. I doubt there's more than...
2... 3 people that will actually miss me and none of them ever call me
or ask me to come do stuff with them or come by and see me and invite
me to come over, so I'm not sure they'll actually miss me much... or at
all.
That's sad. I've lived here for 15 years and there's only 2 or 3
people who know me at all and even they won't do anything with
me. Oh well, I'm sure I'll make lots of enemies and fake friends
in the Marines and the chance of being exploded... ought to be exciting.
I kind of really don't give a crap about school anymore. No one
seems to like my writing in creative writing, I suck at german, my
drawing class is a joke. The only class I like is my airowbicks
class. I just want to drop out and go ahead and join the Marines,
I don't have anyone to miss except my mom and it's not like I have
anyone I need to say goodbye to. I don't own jack either so I've
got nothing to miss there. I'm not a member of anything so I have
nothing to miss there. All the friends I have are online and even
they, I bet, won't miss me.
I used to think about writing up this big will that all these letters
to past friends and such in it in case something happened to me, but
now that I'm looking into the Marines, I realize I doubt any of them
would really care if I died except Holly.
Anyway, I need to go do my bed-time work out and get up early for my early morning work out.
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| Well, classes started today. Went to my airobix class.
There were quite a few cute girls that I don't have a flipping chance
with, but it's good to feel insecure every now and then and be reminded
what a huge doof you are. Anywho, I'm sure to embboss... I mean
emberrasss myself later, so look forward to that. I have my
german class of germanic languity (I made a new word!... again!).
I'm gonna try harder this semester, I really slacked off last
time. I'm really looking forward to Thisil-dizle; my creative
writing class. I'm hoping that fat nerdy guy is still in
there. It's SO funny when he says something totally not funny and
everyone doesn't laugh and I remember all those times when I used to be
like that... (Yeah... used to) I'm sure Alanna will be getting me
booted from class in no time at all ("HE was talking, I was just
sitting here!" She says, innocently batting her eyelashes.) I'm
not really looking forward to my drawing class... at all. I hate
the teacher and my ex is in the same class, same time.
Been having some... pretty bad dreams lately. Some
of them scared the crap out of me. Something with... ghosts or
something. There was this old woman... I was going to learn to be
a psychic... you know... use telepathy and telekinises (sp?).
Then things started going all wrong. I can't remember what
happened inbetween but I remember I was being chased by
something. All the light in the world was red for some
reason. I ran into the old ladies house, hoping she might know
what's going on. I run by a little closet in the hall. Just
as I run by she falls out of it and her head falls off onto the
floor. I can't remember much other than that. I woke up a
couple times pretty scared. Not alot of things scare me outside
of my dreams.
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